September 17, 2012

Dalawang dekada ng buhay

Ngayon, September 17, 2012... hindi na ako teenager... 20 years old na ako, hindi na ako 19. Huhuhu. Tumatanda na nga ako. Nothing special, just an ordinary day. Nakaka-touch some greeted me through text kahit hindi naman kami close, some greeted me sa peysbuk. 

September 15, Christine my BFF since highschool, treeted me sa Don Henricos at SM (haggard look ako that time, pina-ayos niya ako para picturan niya ako, tapos nakalimutan lang magpicture, non sense! hahaha) I was touched kasi sabi ko wag na niya i-treet sayang lang, igastos niya na lang sa needs niya everyday, pero sabi niya minsan lang naman ikaw mag-birthday. So ayon we ate, masaya. Thank you Christine ;)

September 16, Clarence my friend invited me sa ministry nila. I enjoyed and feel blessed. She greeted me also the other youths of the ministry.

"Not all birthdays are worth celebrating"

Good morning. My eyes! Big eyebags. T_T

Ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ang ganito, I'm seeking guidance from God na sana palakasin niya ako. Today on my birthday I feel so down. If only there's other way to stop crying. I'm just bothered with so many things. Kahit sabihin na "don't worry everything will be okay" it's not that easy. I feel hopeless, I feel there's no one out there for me yeah- School, financial issues, family. relationship with him.

Yesterday morning, when I just woke up... he texted "i think we need to be single again for now" since wala ng time for each other. This made me cry. I don't want to lose him, I love him so much. While I'm writing this, I can't help myself crying (iyakin ako). "in God's perfect time we'll be together again" Yeah. Maybe everything has purpose why things happen even if we don't understand.  He just want me to focus on my studies and enjoy college, but it's hurting. Like what I've said I love him, I never loved this way before the way I love him. "magkakabalikan din tayo j.lo, gusto ko lang magsettle down muna lahat before tayo magfocus sa relationship natin, ang bata pa natin. maiintindihan mo din". I don't want other guy in my life, if ever hindi siya for me magiging matandang dalaga na lang ako. I will wait because I love him. If ever you are reading this I WILL WAIT, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

So ito naman financial issue na ito, ang daming pagkakagastusan pero wala akong pera. As in broke, walang wala. They (my mother and guardian) don't want me to work. Pero kung hindi ako makabayad sa mga gastusin, I feel hopeless. Wala kasi mapagkukuhanan na iba. Though I want the best for my performance in school, nakakasagabal kapag walang pera (mahirap lang talaga ako promise). Nasabi ko na rin ibang kwento dito Nasan ka Itay?

Hindi ako masisisi if I self pity sometimes. I feel breaking down and giving up. As if life is giving no reason to live.

Happy birthday to me.

.

14 comments:

Rosemarie Orit said...

0h happy birthday t0 y0u. ganyan lang p0w talaga ang buhay. di p0w habang panah0n bata tay0. ienj0y lang natin ang buhay natin..

x0x0,
Dazzling-r0ze

Archieviner said...

Happy Birthday sau :)

Xan Gerna said...

wow happy birthday! ^_^

fiel-kun said...

Hey Jess :)

Friendship is not something that is written on paper, because paper can be torn. It is neither something that can be written on a rock, for even a rock can break. But it is written on the heart of a person, and it stays there forever. Birthday wishes and blessings are coming your way, my friend!

Weight Of Gravity said...

HAPPY BDAY BFF BLOGGER BE HAPPY AT NAKITA MO NA PO UNG PINOST KO SA TWITTER MO. GOD BLESS AND MORE BDAYSSS TO COME. T.C ALWAYZ.

T.R.Aurelius said...

oh, Belated Happy Birthday!!!!

:))

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gord said...

Kabsat! Happy Birthday! Bukas pa ako, haha. Una ka pala.

Cheer up on your special day! Minsan lang dumaan yan.

mr.nightcrawler said...

Everyday is worth celebrating. It's all about perception. I know everything may look bad right now but you'll figure it out sooner or later. This is coming from a guy who has been through a lot. Just keep the faith. And by the way, welcome to the club. Young adult ka na. :)

Pink Line said...

cheer up..bata ka pa hayaan mo na lang muna si lovelife. focus ka muna din sa sarili mo..

happy birthday bebe sis :)
please be happy :)

anne fiLan said...

..life must go on girL.. go!!

MEcoy said...

happy bday sayo haha ako nung ng 20th bday ako nalungkot ako kasi di na ko teen haha

Pareng Jay said...

Welkam sa 20 bracket pre. Oks lang yan mukha ka pa naman teen e. Hehe. Hbd!

Mr. Tripster said...

Uy belated happy birthday! I remember when I turned 20, it was the most normal day of my life. When I was 16, I looked forward to it. Sabi ko noon by 20 baka I'll be enjoying the prime of my life. It turned out I was swimming in sh*t. Hahaha! Can't even remember how I celebrated it. Usually si mother dear ko ang naghahanda.

But now, I just don't give a sh*t about my birthday. i try to enjoy simple but memorable days and moments, because those are the days and moments when you feel that life is real, that you breathe air, and that living is easy and its beauty is eternal.

Pero minsan talaga no, nakaka dismaya ang young adulthood. I remember reading a phrase in Barnes' novel "Sense of an Ending"- 'one of our greatest fear is that life wouldn't turn out to be like in literature.'

Quite true. And it's bitterly sad. But hey, happiness is what you make it.

Kailangan mo talaga ng pera? Kung sinabi ng mother mo na huwag kang magtrabaho habang nag-aaral eh I think she's right. Para saan mo ba kailangan ang money, I mean you're a student. Ito lagi ko ito sinasabi sa ibang bloggers na estudyante and I really feel strongly about this: DI BALE NA MAHIRAPAN HABANG NAG-AARAL KAYSA MAGHIRAP DAHIL WALANG PINAG-ARALAN.

I was a working student, ngayon fully exploited worker na lang ako ngayon. But pa ang mga bayarang lalaki enjoy silang ginagamit sila. Ako ginamit na ng ginamit, kulang pa sa bayad, hindi pa ako enjoy! Note: I'm not a male prostiitute, just making an analogy (yun nga ba tawag sa ganon?).

Hindi na ako nakatapos. Naka ilang course din ako at ilang schools. Laging nagugulo schedule ko between job at school tapos nung nagkapera ayun nagkaroon din ng mga bayarin. Kaya eto, debt servicing muna bago education, althought mukhang malayo na ako na makakuha ng degree.

At kahit hindi mo ako hinihingan ng payo at dahil sa epal talaga ako to the bones, let me give you a bit of advice in love- you may have the right love but if it's in the wrong time, then it is not right at all.

Paul's first epistle to the Corinthian Church, in the 13th chapter, begins by describing that love, above all, is patient. Just wait in the right time.

Hey, I'm in love too. But at 27, I'm still enjoying singlehood. I had disastrous relationships in the past, and I realized na hindi ako ready. madami tuloy naapektuhan kahit pag-aaral ko.

You're still young! You still have the time. Ok lang yan. Sige, iyak. Hindi naman bawal yan. Nasaktan ka. You have the right to be sad. Tao ka. But we, the readers and followers, want you to move on and be a stronger girl, be a woman, because we know that you're better than that.

yan, haba na naman ng comment ko!